Thursday, March 20, 2008
I called my mom yesterday to ask her to look through my mail and tell me if there were any checks. There weren’t any, but I did find out that I had the chance to win 10 million dollars, and all I had to do was fill out 72 forms over the next 2 years and somehow try to maneuver around getting roped into a magazine subscription for something called, “Pictures of Cats who Knit”. No thank you, Publisher’s Clearing House. I’m still paying for my subscription to, “How to Look Good in Shorts at any Age.” My 79 year-old mother read it the other day and is trying out some of the looks. Since I’ve moved back in with her, I’ve had to cut her toenails, pluck the hairs out of her chin, and sit in on her gynecology examination. I do not need to see her in a pair of cut off jean shorts and red cowboy boots.
Anyway, there was also a UL Alumni magazine that had an article about me in it.
My mom told me, “You want me to read it to you? There’s a horrible picture of you. You look so serious and old.”
I’m not exactly sure what picture she’s talking about, but I think it's the one above. I know I my expression is of a person trying to decide between paper and plastic at the grocery store check out line, but I ask you, what’s so bad about that? Are we supposed to take every picture like we did as kids? Like there’s some moron holding up a sock puppet and singing some song about Old McDonald and his goat?
And maybe I was thinking about something really insightful? Maybe I was solving some of the world’s biggest problems, like media coverage of Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton. And so what if I looked old. You know what mom, I am old. I’m 38 years old. At that age, you’d had seven children and an obvious lack of self-control. So it’s okay if my pictures don’t involve me sitting on Santa’s lap or laying naked on a fluffy pillow. And to tell you the truth, I’m not crazy about my smile. I have a big wide nose that I inherited from your mother, who I loved dearly. And I’m proud of that big wide nose. I just don’t want it photographed.
I love you mom, but when you look at that picture, you need to stop seeing your baby. You need to look deeper and see someone who considers himself the luckiest person in the world to have you as a mother. And this makes him so happy, that he becomes a little sad, because he doesn’t know how to express it.
By the way mom, some woman emailed me about that picture and said she found me very attractive. Granted, she was 75 years old, but she had all of teeth. I guess that’s it. Happy Easter Everybody.